You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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