Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
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