dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Randomize
