I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
