And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize