i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
