I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
