i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
