when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
