I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
