I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
