she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I need to calm my uterus...
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
