did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
