are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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