My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she woke up with a sticky ear
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
