I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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