Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
