I think I won the penis lottery.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
