Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
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