I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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