Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
