if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
