Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize
