This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
