i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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