I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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