it hurts more in the daytime
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
