I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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