i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
