Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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