Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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