i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
