just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
