Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
