I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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