i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
cat food counts as protein by the way
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
