we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Sober January is a disaster.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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