I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
