I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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