Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
She needs sedatives and a leash
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
