I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
