Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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