Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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