I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
