I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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