I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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