At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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