I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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