the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize