READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
