brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
