Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
