I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
