The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
