Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize