If i come over, it means nothing
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Randomize
