so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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