are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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