i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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