He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
