like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I look better un-naked...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
